Chris Collins Sheds Physical Body, Becomes Being of Pure Capitalism

Pure Corporate Synergy

Congressman Chris Collins, who “represents” the NYS 27th District, has reportedly undergone a startling metamorphosis, changing from a physical organism of flesh and blood into a state of pure capitalism.

The former Erie County Executive, who later became Congressman, was the first member of the House to publicly endorse then candidate Donald Trump in his successful presidential bid.

“I love your herky jerky power handshake, Don!”

In a recent interview with WGRZ’s Scott Levin at a diner in Clarence , Collins could not keep a straight face as he served as the vessel of Donald Trump’s will, calling the media “dishonest” while he defended his business investments and attempted to justify his refusal to ever hold a town hall meeting.

Collins became literally aglow as he espoused the Trump Cabinet of CEO Billionaires.  The glow became a blinding light (that turned Scott Levin three shades tanner than usual).  Collins began to slowly levitate off of his chair, while the same time his legs phased right through the table.  Collins’ flesh appeared to become engulfed in the strange energy as he called Obamacare a failure and decried New York’s taxes.  His voice bellowed and became omnidirectional.

Pure Corporate Synergy

The being that was formerly Collins became aware of the transmogrification, saying:

I can see the hand of the free market! Laissez-faire Laissez-faire!  I am become one with the Plutocracy.  You puny humans mean nothing to me.  I no longer represent a constituency of poor mortals.  You are merely the means of production, until robots take over! Consume! Conform! Submit! Obey!

In a final flash, the transfiguration was complete, and there was no trace of the being that was once Chris Collins, sticking Levin with the dinner check.

While a multitude of questions remain on how the non-corporeal corporatist will serve in Congress, it seems he left us a sign.  Literally.

GoFundMe?

More on this turn of events as the situation develops.

1 Comment on "Chris Collins Sheds Physical Body, Becomes Being of Pure Capitalism"

  1. true story

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