A person who had been visiting Japan has become Erie County’s first confirmed case of Zima, the malted alcoholic beverage-based virus confirmed as the cause of extreme douchbaggery, which had become an epidemic in the United States during the 1990’s.
The unidentified resident was diagnosed Wednesday but is doing well after coming down with symptoms common to the virus, County Health Commissioner Dr. Gale Burstein said Sunday. She declined to provide any other specifics about the individual, citing patient confidentiality and the extreme embarrassing nature of being under the effects of the headache inducing garbage beverage.
Zima is a radical transformation that occurs to an already shitty beer. Filtered through charcoal, the lager would lose both it’s color and flavor, only to become infused with citrus like flavoring that would be reminiscent of Lemon Pledge spray polish.
In the early 1990’s, almost half of the United States’ alcohol drinking populace was infected. Besides a splitting headache shortly after drinking it, the virus affected many males by turning them into fedora-wearing douchebags who thought that women should date them because they were “nice guys“.
The first reported case was Matt Drudge, who reportedly under the disease’s effects, founded his shitty Drudge Report website on Geocities in 1994, and has never updated the site’s appearance since.
The young Drudge, who never recovered from the full force of the ill-effects, was featured in a series of public service announcements showing the debilitating nature of the Zima virus:
In 1996, President Bill Clinton allocated 1.5 billion dollars to the eradication of the Zima virus, drastically reducing it’s reported cases within two years. In early 2008, President George W. Bush’s “Zima Czar” Samuel J. Wurzelbacher announced that the virus was effectively wiped out in the US.
The unidentified Erie County resident diagnosed with the Zima virus had been visiting Japan for two weeks, and may have gotten it from simulated kissing.
Erie County Health Commissioner Dr. Gale Burstein said the person has been isolated from the general populace, and has already been shunned by family, peers and friends in the wake of being found as someone susceptible to Zima. Said Dr. Burstein:
We encourage everyone in Erie County to deal with anyone under the influence of Zima the same way we did back in the nineties: with scorn, shame and perhaps a bit of pity. Isolate them socially, and eventually most will get better.
They are zomeone who zhould be avoided at all costs.”
UPDATE: Erie County Executive Mark Poloncarz has publically expressed his concern for this re-occurrence, and appears ready to do what it takes to prevent its spread: