Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R) has announced he will resign within weeks, so he can join the coaching staff of the Buffalo Bills, and be reunited with his brothers Rex and Rob.
Days after Bills head coach Rex Ryan announced his twin brother Rob (recently shit-canned defensive coordinator of the New Orleans Saints) would become assistant head defensive coach for the team, their younger brother Paul announced his acceptance of a coaching job in Buffalo.
Said the Speaker and former vice-presidential candidate:
While I am grateful for the opportunity to serve my country as Congressman, and more recently, Speaker of the House, I finally have felt the calling of my family: NFL coaching. For far too long, I’ve run away from the legacy of my father, Buddy Ryan. With my older brothers Rob and Rex following in papa’s footsteps, I felt I should break out and do something different: politics. But after losing the 2012 presidential election as Mitt Romney’s running mate, and recently getting roped into this stupid House Speaker position, I feel the time is right for a change. I mean, how many times can I vote to repeal Obamacare?! Go sports!
Buffalo Bills owner Terry Pegula, who is no stranger to throwing good money after bad, welcomed the addition of yet another Ryan, saying: “Two’s company, but three is a winning combination! Or not; who cares, fans have proven they will buy tickets regardless how shitty we are!”
Paul Ryan, who has no coaching experience, will become the Bills’ new offensive line coach. Brother Rex laid out his reasoning:
My brother Paul has said many offensive lines throughout his political career, with his support for budget plans that cut taxes for the wealthy, and a willingness to slash funding for all kinds of social programs that would help the poor and middle class. His Ayn Rand fantasies have always been pretty offensive, so he’s gonna shore up our offense with the same zeal.
With all the Ryan brothers working for the same team, there is no word if their sister, former Star Trek: Voyager star Jeri Ryan will join them.