Speaker of the House Paul Ryan Quits Congress To Help His Brothers Coach Buffalo Bills

Rob, Paul and Rex Ryan in an undated photo

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R) has announced he will resign within weeks, so he can join the coaching staff of the Buffalo Bills, and be reunited with his brothers Rex and Rob.

Days after Bills head coach Rex Ryan announced his twin brother Rob (recently shit-canned defensive coordinator of the New Orleans Saints) would become assistant head defensive coach for the team, their younger brother Paul announced his acceptance of a coaching job in Buffalo.

Said the Speaker and former vice-presidential candidate:

While I am grateful for the opportunity to serve my country as Congressman, and more recently, Speaker of the House, I finally have felt the calling of my family: NFL coaching.  For far too long, I’ve run away from the legacy of my father, Buddy Ryan.  With my older brothers Rob and Rex following in papa’s footsteps, I felt I should break out and do something different: politics. But after losing the 2012 presidential election as Mitt Romney’s running mate, and recently getting roped into this stupid House Speaker position, I feel the time is right for a change. I mean, how many times can I vote to repeal Obamacare?!  Go sports!

Buffalo Bills owner Terry Pegula, who is no stranger to throwing good money after bad, welcomed the addition of yet another Ryan, saying: “Two’s company, but three is a winning combination! Or not; who cares, fans have proven they will buy tickets regardless how shitty we are!”

Paul Ryan, who has no coaching experience, will become the Bills’ new offensive line coach. Brother Rex laid out his reasoning:

My brother Paul has said many offensive lines throughout his political career, with his support for budget plans that cut taxes for the wealthy, and a willingness to slash funding for all kinds of social programs that would help the poor and middle class.  His Ayn Rand fantasies have always been pretty offensive, so he’s gonna shore up our offense with the same zeal.

With all the Ryan brothers working for the same team, there is no word if their sister, former Star Trek: Voyager star Jeri Ryan will join them.

All Ryans are coming to Buffalo: resistance is futile...

All Ryans are coming to Buffalo: resistance is futile…

 

 

 

 

6 Comments on "Speaker of the House Paul Ryan Quits Congress To Help His Brothers Coach Buffalo Bills"

  1. Rumors are running rampant in and around the Hollywood scene that Ryan Reynolds is in the process of legally changing his name to: Reynolds Ryan, in hopes of joining the Ryan brothers in Buffalo. Canadian born Reynolds plans to advise the brothers Ryan to incorporate Canadian League football strategies into the Bills’ game plans – Go Bills, eh?!

  2. Bernard Holland | January 12, 2016 at 8:55 pm | Reply

    Jeri could join the Jills and make it a 4sum now her I could stand how about you.

  3. Bernard Holland | January 12, 2016 at 8:52 pm | Reply

    WTF I don’t believe it has Terry B. lost his mind bad enough we have to put up with big mouth Rex now we have to put up with 3 of them WTF, WTF, WTF.

  4. Tank Van Houten | January 12, 2016 at 6:22 pm | Reply

    All for one the three Amigos laugh there way to the bank wtf The Bills are killing me slowly with bad judgement we need a football owner that cares not a great hockey owner for a football team I hope I’m totally wrong on this one .Please prove me wrong.

  5. Paul Ryan plain sucks as a human being. His and his buddies tactics in DC do nothing but fill their palms with cash…… nothing for Americans. The GOP tantrum the last 7 years with OBama is the worst in American political history.They turned their backs on Veterans….jobs,education,and health care. They took programs away from the poor so they could directly, create more tax breaks for the affluent and corporations. And they shifted tax away from the rich to people who make much less. Did I say destroy unions along the way. Who needs adequate paying jobs, health care, and safe work place envoirnment? Not these GOP stooges?[KOCH BROTHER-style]

  6. The Biils are in deep trouble with just the 2 Ryans. Cowboys Defense was rated in the bottom quarter when Rob left and in New Orleans…… didn’t they set a record this season for most touchdown passes against ….”ever” in the NFL? Check blowhard Rex when he was featured on HARDKNOCKS/HBO. F-bombs every chance he had and if you watch it all you will see what kind of a guy you will have guiding your team through 16 games GOOD LUCK and PRAYERS for my BUFFALO BILLS.

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