In light of two hockey players named Kane being involved in investigations regarding alleged sex offenses, National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman is implementing a new NHL players abstinence-only sex policy that permits masturbation as the sole means of players “getting their rocks off”.
Speaking before a throng of reporters at a late Monday press conference, Bettman said:
To protect the public at large, our players, and the reputation of the league itself, all NHL players will be forbidden from having sexual relations of any type with a partner, and are hereby instructed that they are responsible for their own sexual gratification via manual stimulation.
The NHL Players Association supports the policy, and Executive Director Don Fehr says they will support the players by providing “care packages” of lotion, tissues and a free subscription to Pornhub, the “Netflix of Porn”, offering ad-free, HD-quality streaming of adult content. Said Fehr:
The NHL cannot endure any more accusations of alleged sex offenses, so we support the “Rub One Out For Gary” policy. If any player needs to satisfy their urges, they must “take a wrist shot into an empty net”, if you will. This will hopefully keep our focus on the game itself, instead of DNA swabs and the other unpleasant business that may hurt the league and its players’ bottom line.