The same day that a visibly disinterested President Obama fulfilled his Constitutional duty of pardoning a turkey from becoming Thanksgiving dinner, Russian President-For-Life Vladimir Putin himself summarily executed a turkey for being what he calls “an ISIS supporter.
Early this morning, President Obama gathered outside the White House with his visibly disinterested daughters to pardon a turkey named Kissinger:
“I, under the authority granted to me by the Constitution of the United States of America, hereby order a complete and total pardon of Kissinger. Now that this shit is done, I’m gonna go get a coffee.”
At the same time in Russia, President Putin shot and killed a turkey named Nato after accusing the bird of being a supporter for the so-called Islamic State, or ISIS (or ISIL, or Mrs. Dash). Said Vlad before pulling the trigger:
“This turkey has stabbed Russia in the back, and there is a price to pay. Do we really want Nato to serve the interests of ISIS? This cannot be allowed. I cannot qualify what this turkey did in any other way. Spokojnoj Nochi!”
The animal wing of Amnesty International condemned the killing, saying the turkey’s only crime was “being born delicious”.
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