BREAKING: Missouri Resigns as State of University of Missouri

Bowing to mounting unrest on the campus of the University of Missouri, Governor Jay Nixon met with State House leaders to seek emergency action to settle concerns on campus.

After the meeting, Governor Nixon approached the press that had gathered outside of his residence and issued the following statement:

“Racism and intolerance have no place at the University of Missouri or anywhere in our state. Our colleges and universities must be havens of trust and understanding.

We take full responsibility for the frustration that the students are expressing.  Their complaints are clear and real.

It is clear that between our handling of issues in places like the streets of Ferguson and the halls of our most venerated educational institution that our continued involvement will only impede the healing process. Pretending our presence did not at least partially contribute to these issues would be foolish.

Therefore, on behalf of the Government of the State of Missouri: I am announcing that we are resigning from the University of Missouri, effective immediately.”

Neither the Governor nor Legislators present took questions after the statement was issued.

A source inside the university reveled that Mizzou is still working on final details of the leadership transition. It is rumored that the student body is debating the costs and benefits of converting the university to a socialist commune vs seeking extra-territorial status.

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