In the second salvo on Big Coffee’s War On Christmas, Tom Horton’s has unveiled their new “Holiday Coffee Cup”. Eschewing their previous year’s cups designs of Santa, Snowflakes and reindeer and the phrase “Merry Christmas”, the new cup launches an affront to all that is decent and god-fearing.
The new cup proclaims that there is no god, and features offensive icons such as the Nazi Swastika, an upside down cross, and the various messages such as “9-11 is a lie” and “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams” as well as pro-Isis phrases.
Damien Asmodeus, Head of Public Relations for Hortons had this to say to reporters at an late-afternoon press conference:
Every year, we’ve been pushing our agenda of destroying all that is decent and good. Most ways have been subtle, subliminal, and discreet. This holiday season we’ve gone all out, because, quite simply, our coffee is so good, you’ll buy it anyways. You are addicted to our “double-doubles” and triple-triples”, and you will CONSUME and OBEY.
Go fuck yourselves!”
We spoke to local Cheektowaga resident Jed Porkins, who was recently released from the hospital from a heart attack. When shown the new cup design, he replied:
“They could serve their coffee out of the freshly severed head of a kitten, and I’d drink it. It’s the only thing that gets me through the day, then afternoon, and evening.”