Bills Unveil Red Uniform That Will Help Them Win Via Super Powers

Who could it be?

The Buffalo Bills’ red alternate uniforms that the team is going to wear next Thursday against the New York Jets have been unveiled, and they may just grant the wearers the power to win football games.

Head Coach Rex Ryan revealed the origin of the uniform at an early evening press conference Thursday:

While taking my truck out to Cheektowaga last night to camp out for the opening of the Sonic Drive-In, my vehicle was encased in a beam of light.  I exited the truck to see what the heck was going on, and I saw the brilliant lights of a spacecraft.  The beam lifted me into their ship, and I met the benevolent aliens called the Pegulions.  They presented me with a crate of new red team uniforms that looked like something out of a comic book.  The head alien, named Good-El, told me that the uniforms grant the wearers extraordinary superpowers, and could lead us to victory.

The uniforms form a psychic bond with the wearer, but every ability (such as accurate passing, catching and blocking)requires the user to learn the instructions contained within a special playbook that they only have one of.  The team can learn their new powers, and the book has plays that are even better than what Bill Belichick could ever conceive of!

I was sent back to my truck with the uniforms and alien playbook.  Ain’t that a hoot?!”

Richie Incognito shows off the new Bills uniform.

Richie Incognito shows off the new Bills uniform.


UPDATE: Rex Ryan has reported that he lost the alien instruction book while getting a chili-cheese tater-tot platter at Sonic. Ryan states he’s sure they can figure out how to play without it.

If found, please return to Rex Ryan...

If found, please return to Rex Ryan…

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