Key Bank Vows Making First Niagara Bank Shitty is “Top Priority”

Ah shit...

KeyCorp announced this morning it’s going to buy the Buffalo-based First Niagara Financial Group.

In a conference call this Friday morning, Christopher Gorman, President of Key Corporate Bank said:

“With Key Bank buying out First Niagara Bank, we hope that our increased size will make us “too big to fail”, so when we screw up, the taxpayer will have no choice to bail us out.  Making First Niagara Bank shitty is our top priority.  Our second priority will be closing branches and executing mass firings in the Buffalo area, as they have been starting to think their city is in some kind of turnaround.  This needs to be nipped right in the bud”

In the same call,  President and CEO of First Niagara Gary Crosby had this to say about the 4.1 billion dollar deal:

“While there are many important questions that need to be answered regarding how this acquisition will affect the thousands of jobs at First Niagara, I can’t really say that I give a rat’s ass, as I will be getting a big fat golden parachute that will cushion my fall onto a big pile of cash.  I advise First Niagara workers to immediately switch their accounts to Key, that way they can take advantage of Key’s $200 offer when they switch. They’re probably gonna need that extra cash soon. Good luck, suckers!”

The Tommunist spoke with a teller who works at First Niagara, who, while declining to give their name, said this regarding the deal:

“Key Bank?! That bank stinks. And I mean they smell. I used to work there. I had to breathe through my mouth the whole time.”

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