Schumer To Take On Ticket Scalping Bots


Saying “it should be a crime”,  Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) says he will lead the charge against the ticket scalping by the “soulless, mechanized threat of ‘bots”.

Speaking from his favorite place (in front of a camera), Schumer said:

“My office became aware that many Western New York fans weren’t able to get tickets to see acts like The Rolling Stones and Paul McCartney, because the tickets were sold out online in a matter of minutes.  Many complained that ‘bots were buying these up at inhuman speeds, and then scalping the tickets at highly inflated prices.  Well, corporations might be people in the law’s eye, but robots are not.  I’m proposing national legislation to end this robot uprising to save our future of kick ass live shows.”

His bill, called The End of Robots Making the Internet No-good by Always scalping Tickets for Events, or TERMINATE, will make it a federal crime for robots, androids and other mechanical automata to purchase concert and event tickets online and scalping them to humans. Punishment includes fines, forfeiture of RAM chips, and imprisonment until the robot is deemed obsolete.  Schumer says the law will address a fundamental weakness of existing law when it comes to robots.

An early draft of Isaac Asimov’s Laws of Robotics showed Asimov originally penned four laws, but reduced it to three because “that’s a nice number”:

  1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
  2. A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
  3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws
  4. A robot must not purchase a concert, movie or public event ticket for the express purpose of reselling it at exaggerated prices.

“BLEEP-BOOP, captchas are for pussies!”

Said Schumer:

Too many aspects of our economy have already been affected by robots.  Car manufacturers have robots that assemble their vehicles.  The taxi industry is now under assault by the disruptive technology of “Johnny Cab”. Robots may even replace all the fast food workers we plan on giving $15.00 an hour to. At least we have been resistant to use robots in our military, allowing our red-blooded American soldiers the sole opportunity to spill that red blood to satisfy our military-industrial complex. The last thing we need is a robot in California using his laptop, defrauding Ticketmaster by clicking the “I am a human” button and proceeding to scoop up front row seats for Sir Fucking Paul McCartney in his only Buffalo, NY show.

This legislation would be the toughest anti-robot law in the world.  Canada currently has the most comprehensive law that states if a robot wishes to re-sell it’s ticket, it must do so in person, out in the front of the venue.

"Rogers, Rogers"

“Rogers, Rogers”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, speaking at a fund raising event held at Cyberdyne Systems in California, dismissed the proposed legislation, stating that:

“Just as we Republicans wish to assign full personhood to a two day old zygote, a robot should also be protected under our Constitution, if it is American made or at least assembled here in America using imported Chinese parts assembled by migrant Mexican workers in multi-national factories that sought our tax incentives to operate in America. That’s just basic freedom, people…”

Meanwhile, consumer advocate and former presidential spoiler Ralph Nader says Schumer’s proposal doesn’t go far enough:

Schumer’s legislation doesn’t take into account the growing technological field.  What about humans assimilated into a cybernetic collective hive mind, where there is an unholy merging of man and machine?  Or the advent of holographic beings made to resemble humans, using “hard light” technology to give them physical form and presence and the ability to interact with the natural world?  We must regulate now!

Even Pope Francis, visiting America, noted that the free tickets available for his appearances here are being scalped. His most recent papal encyclical, “Machina Erectus Malus” calls on robots to reject human-like greed, and accept Jesus Christ as their personal operating system.


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