BREAKING: Pope To Swing By Buffalo This Afternoon To Address Patrick Kane Situation

Dominus vobiscum, Et cum spiritu tuo. Et acumen , et turpis !

In a last minute addition to his schedule, Pope Francis, the Holy See of the Holy Roman Catholic and Apostolic Church, will briefly depart New York City today and arrive in Buffalo, NY.  There, he will hold a press conference regarding the most recent developments in the Patrick Kane investigation.

The Bishop of Rome will stop by the Pegula Family-owned 716 Club House Lounge & Bar, and is expected to discuss the recent revelations regarding leaked results from a rape-kit, the absence of below-the-waist DNA of Buffalo-born Chicago Blackhawks star, and the appearance of a mysterious evidence bag that may have been a part of the investigation.

The Supreme Pontiff, who is actually a Flyers fan, felt the need to add his presence to the mix in what has been an increasingly bizarre and frustrating turn of events in the investigation by local law enforcement into alleged claims of rape agaisnt the hockey superstar and his not publically named accuser.  Kane has not been charged with any crime at this time.

The Successor of Saint Peter is then expected to dine on Chicken Wings, and then visit Erie County District Attorney Frank Sedita’s office and give him his blessing to become a State Supreme Court judge.

The Tommunist may or may not follow the press conference as it happens, but WIVB Channel 4 plans to interrupt “The Price is Right” at any point to bring you the latest as the Holy Father is expected to arrive at around 11:00 AM today.


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