Ohio Steals Mt. McKinley From Alaska Overnight

In the largest interstate theft of it’s kind, Alaska’s Denali (aka “The Mountain Formerly Known As Mt. McKinley”) was stolen and placed in Columbus Ohio sometime overnight.

Federal authorities suspect that the 88 Republican members of Ohio’s State Assembly and House of Representatives pulled off the heist, after expressing condemnation over President Obama’s recent renaming of the Alaskan mountain back to it’s longtime original name of Denali.  Ohio is the birthplace of the 25th US President William McKinley and the mountain was named after him in 1917, even though he never visited Alaska let alone climbed the mountain.

Denali, the highest mountain peak in the United States is over 18,000 feet tall from base to peak.  Officials from the National Parks Service are baffled as to how the entire structure could be been removed intact and somehow transported from Alaska to Columbus, Ohio, behind the Ohio Statehouse.

Ain't No Squabble Petty Enough...

Ain’t No Squabble Petty Enough…

A group of assholes (who have better things to do) that includes Governor John Kasich, U.S. Senator Rob Portman, U.S. House Speaker John Boehner, and Representative Bob Gibbs called Obama’s renaming an abuse of authority and say an act of Congress is required to rename the mountain. However, Obama’s Secretary of the Interior has authority under federal law to change geographic names when the Board of Geographic Names does not act on a naming request within a “reasonable” period of time.  Alaska made a request to rename the mountain in 1975, and congressional dicks from Ohio have blocked it for 40 years, which exceeds non-assholes’ ideas of what a “reasonable” amount of time is regarding mountain naming requests.

Ranting buffoon and Republican Presidential hopeful Donald Trump has said that if elected president, he would either change the name of the mountain back, or create a new federal program that would offer naming rights to all of America’s parks, mountains, monuments and assets up to the highest bidder.

McKinley was assassinated in 1901 at the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, NY.  Carl Paladino, failed gubernatorial candidate, current Buffalo School Board member/legal fee generator, and all-around racially sensitive rich guy  has offered to change the name of Buffalo’s  McKinley High School to “Denali” and ship the entire structure to Alaska to make up for their stolen mountain, but only if they take Superintendent Kriner Cash with it.

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