Gallagher Beach has a serious watermelon problem.
The watermelon counts at the unofficial beach on Buffalo’s Outer Harbor – which officials want to open for public swimming – exceed safe levels more than two-thirds of the time in tests conducted by the Erie County Fruit and Vegetable Commission. The beach is unsafe for swimming.
The test results are included in a 181-page study the Tommunist News Service recently obtained through a Freedom of Disinformation request via our lawyers Shyster, Leesfield and Ambulance Chaser.
The water at the beach tested for extremely high levels of Citrullus Lanatus , while soil samples of the sand itself consisted of 30 percent watermelon seed.
Speaking off the record, Erie County officials are baffled as to what the source of this contamination could be. Said our source:
“Gallagher Beach should be an oasis of wonder. This came on faster than a cannonball. If we don’t rectify this, our kids will someday look back in anger…”