Belichick to Press: I Cannot Express Emotions

"You cannot stir my heart"

At his early morning press conference, Bill Belichick detailed how he is seemingly incapable of expressing emotion, or even possibly experiencing it.

The seeming automation, ┬áprogrammed only for football coaching (and no protocol or etiquette skills) refused to answer any questions regarding Tom Brady, “DeflateGate”, or his approach to coaching a team that may not have its star quarterback at the helm.

The visibly exhausted and irritated press core had virtually nothing substantive to write about the event, taking place just before Belichick began training camp this morning.

A reporter for Tommunist Sports asked: “Do you suffer from alexithymia? That is, do have a dysfunction in emotional awareness, which leads to unempathic and ineffective emotional responding?”

I am unable to respond to that query, as that would necessitate an emotional response that is wholly unrelated to the game of football.

Tommunist Sports pressed further: “Okay, would it be better to say it’s anhedonia, the complete inability to feel pleasure itself?”

Error 404: Answer not found. We’re on to the next question

The press core murmured amongst themselves, questioning their entire collective existence in the world and their chosen profession.

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